Queen of the World

Shlomi Rabi, NBC5 Street Team (Video)

Face it, there is just not enough time. And you can forget about trying to tell me that it’s all about being efficient and productive and blah blah blah. Nope. It won’t happen. It can’t. A wise man once said that “it is not the things that I have done that I regret, but the things I would have done had I been invited to the Stoli Gay Prom at the Hilton Towers”, and he was right. Let that be a lesson to you, so that the next time that Chicago kicks off Pride Month with a (oh, i’ll just say it-) bang, you better be a part of it. And here is why.

The event was being held at one of the Hilton’s best spaces- the ballroom. Only a Louis XIV ballroom could contain Chicago’s best, hottest, and funnestest. And me. (A big shoutout to the amazing Brook Jay from All Terrain and Marcus “bangbang” Riley for making it happen). While waiting in the drinking line took a bit at first, it provided a great opportunity to look around and absorb the effort and time that went into putting it all together.

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Slideshow: Stoli Prom

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The music — from Gun Julie Brown to Sixteen Candles–was all that needed (well, combine that with about a gallon of Stoli per person) to get everyone up and dancing. One girl in particular was really feeling the music. A lot. (But I mean, like, a LOT. Like, we were all- ‘wow, she’s feeling that one, for sure’, but I digress). At the end of the night Vanity Fair and Nick Damptz (see slideshow) won Prom Queen and, well, Queen. But it didn’t matter who won. Like a wise man once said “you may have lost the battle, just not the skinny straw to stir your drink.” Good times.

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Slap Happy

Shlomi Rabi, NBC5 Street Team
(Video)

“So”, Carl said, “when we got there we were already pretty drunk.” He was telling us about his excursion to Saugatuck (aka Homoville, Michigay) with his partner Jeff. “The club wasn’t even that full so the strippers were pretty desperate. This one zebra-thong-wearing stripper, who was obviously straight, told us that ‘For twenty dollars I’ll give both of you the lap dace of your life’, so off we stumbled to the back, and little did we know.” Carl stirred his drink and added more vodka to dilute any remnants of the strong cranberry flavor. “Ohmygod, his dance was the lovechild of Awkward and Slutbag. Apparently his stripping mentor was epileptic. He wouldn’t stop slapping his thighs and his ass. Then he began slapping our thighs. It was agony.” Carl proceeded to take another sip of his bucket-size refresco and added “He then told us ‘For another twenty dollars I’ll take you guys to The Next Level.’ We assumed he was going to upgrade to bitchslaps so we got the fu[dge] out.” Unfortunately for us and future generations of homoettes, we will never know what ‘The Next Level’ was. Sad.

But who cares! Because if there is one thing that we do need to know is that next Saturday, June 2nd, anybody who’s doing everybody in Chicago will be going to the Stoli Promise at the Hilton Towers. The event is sponsored by Stoli Vodka (aka Shlomi’s Headache Medicine) and promises to be the Only place in Chicago worth attending that night. The theme is Prom Night and includes appearances and performances by Gun Julie Brown, Terri Hemmert of 93XRT and comedienne Jessica Halem. The event is open to anyone with style and fun- be it straight, gay, bisexual, bicurious, biquestioning, or bicycles. So go right ahead, look for that white polyester tux and the puffy-sleeved green number with the bow on the butt, and thank your lucky stars that you’re not getting your thighs spanked in Michigan.

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