Just Shoe-t Me.

Shlomi Rabi, NBC Chicago Street Team

Okay, so while we are all for incorporating a little bit of foreign influence in fashion, something about the pair of Dior fertility heels feels a wee bit…offensive? a crime? both? that sounds about right. The Senufo fertility figure, a revered form in traditional West African ceremonies, was taken out of its original context–a shrine, then molded, re-cast in brass, and glued to the heel of a zebra print sandal for skinny starlets to wear to an event with the hope of being discovered by a hot producer. Makes you wish you knew some real voodoo to exorcise the stupid out of designers. And as for all those bamboozled into buying these shoes–yes, they make you look fat.

To learn more about what Shlomi considers to be worthy of a “Girl, please” eye-roll, click here.

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Uggs for Men, By Someone Who Truly Hates You

Shlomi Rabi, NBC5 Street Team

With the recent softening of stringent borders defining race, political affiliations, and gender characteristics, the clever (and overly optimistic) folks at Uggs thought it was time that their boots made their way over to the men’s shoe department. What’s the word we’re looking for here? Hmmm… how about “no”? That will do–no. While there is much to be said for men embracing their soft, cuddly side, wrapping your feet in a mangled teddy bear will hardly do the trick. It seems that the marketers at Uggs thought that like skinny jeans, form-fitting button-downs, and shorter jackets, their lovechild, with its only-a-mother-could-love appearance, could jump on the gender-bender bandwagon. Not gonna happen.

To learn more about Shlomi’s take on what’s a definite “yes” click here.

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The Sarah Palin School of Resume Building

Tom Kolovos, NBC5 Street Team

During the past few days I’ve been trying to put the finishing touches on the redesign of my website. A Higher power willing, the new home page will be up today with the rest of the pages gradually coming along in two weeks.

One of the pages I still have to redo is the “about tom” page, which essentially serves as my virtual/online resume. 

Watching Sarah Palin speed date her way to foreign policy cred at the United Nations yesterday made me think how much more impressive my fashion credentials would be if I followed her example:

I met Calvin Klein once in Chicago and saw him once walking the boardwalk on Fire Island with David Geffen.  I’ve stood in line with Christy Turlington at O’Hare waiting for a limo. I’ve met Todd Oldham and Zac Pozen. I’ve had dinner with Rubin Singer and his staff. Rubin worked for both Oscar de la Renta and Bill Blass. 

I’ve dished about Condoleza Rice‘s wardrobe with Albert Kreimler of Akris.  

I’ve  rescued away Thierry Mugler from hangers on by asking him to tell me how his then recent interview in Time magazine with the art critic Linda Nochlin (whose essays I used to teach, not ban) came about. I was wearing a Dolce and Gabbana vest. This happened on Mykonos, no less.

You can, if you wish really hard, see parts of Turkey, our strategic NATO ally in The War Against Terror, from Mykonos.

I’ve slept with someone who’s slept with Marc Jacobs (and who hasn’t, you say) and no one got anyone pregnant.

Probably because none of our mothers were hockey moms.

I introduced Narciso Rodriguez to Michelle Obama. I styled the first magazine cover with Michelle who favors Maria Pinto‘s clothes. Maria Pinto used to be an assistant to Geoffrey Beene. Geoffrey Beene reprimanded Narciso for copying his clothes. So, by Palin logic, I’ve also met Mr. Beene, twice(!)–although he’s dead.  

Geoffrey Beene’s signature fragrance was called Grey Flannel, and tonite I will be wearing a grey Band of Outsiders three piece suit to the Giorgio Armani party sponsored by W magazine, which this month has Anne Hathaway on it’s cover. She was one of the stars of The Devil Wears Prada. Prada used to own Helmut Lang which is now designed by Nicole and Michael Colovos.

As Bette Midler (who I have seen in concert) would say: “Shall I go on?”

see KATIE COURIC’S INTERVIEW  part 1

part 2 

TheBestDressedList.com

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Q and A

Tom Kolovos, NBC5 Street Team

The dog days of summer is the time of year when writers and editors call me with questions about fashion, style and, lately, politics.

I’m so used to giving answers for a living that I rarely get to ask the questions myself. Here are some questions I’d like to ask. (OK, sue me. I’m impatient so I answered them too. Old habits die harder than Bruce Willis.)

Feel free to add to my list, but keep in mind this is a public forum and a good double entendre is as risque as you can get.

Who really motivated Marie Osmond to lose all that weight? The makeup person who finally screamed at her “for God’s sake it’s blush not steaksauce!”

What do you wear to a foreclosure? A housecoat.

In a post-Scalia Supreme Court, what will a burglar be wearing to your home? A chalk outline.

What kind of rice is dangerous if it stays in your cabinet too long? Condi Rice.

How many years does it take Neocons to screw in a lightbulb? The same amount of time it takes them to screw everyone, 8 years.

Why is Rick Santorum’s first name so often misspelled? Because the P is silent.

Why do rumors still abound that Bill Clinton keeps getting caught with his pants down? Because it’s Hillary who wears the pants. 

What’s the subtle difference difference between Christ and Christo? Christ would like it very much if Oprah got out of the business of walking on water. Christo would like her to stand perfectly still.  

On what floor does Antonin Scalia always exit a building? The gun lobby.

On a tangentially related note, if you have never checked out stuffwhitepeoplelike.com, you are missing some serious hilarity. It turns out “Stuff White People Like: The Book” hits bookstores today.

TheBestDressedList.com

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If I never see your face again (or Exhale to the Chief)

Tom Kolovos, NBC5 Street Team

Given the national reaction to my last blog, I’ve decided that, if you care to indulge me this summer, I’ll be posting more of my running musings on substance, style and popular culture.

Music videos are by definition a triumph of style over substance. You literally have only 4 minutes to savor the hope of attaining your 15 minutes of fame.

There are no more videogenic singers on the planet right now than Adam Levine of Maroon 5 and Rihanna, he the Magnum XL cum laude graduate of the Bryan Ferry dripping-with-detachment-school-of-personal-style, she the Barbados born beauty of the legs that start somewhere around her earlobes and end at the floor.

Both are perfectly matched in their vocal inability to (thankfully) make it past the top 12 on “American Idol.”

While they have each made compelling visual statements in their own videos, who knew that they would be so perfectly matched in the most palpably erotically charged and relevant music video of 2008 for the single “If I never see your face again?”

It’s a refreshing alternative to the insufferably pretentious Madonna and Justin Timberlake collaboration “4 minutes to save the world,” which wears its misguided attempt at substance right in it’s title.

“4 minutes” tries to sell us on the (yesterday’s news cliche) Madonna-as-cougar-Justin-as-boy-toy but the sexual tension comes off as pathetically Oedipal.  Justin is no more than the wind machine to her current Stevie Nicks-like inability to move coherently or gracefully. “Stand back, stand back” I keep thinking to myself.

(Note to Mad: You’ve really lost your touch and missed the cultural vibe entirely, just like the other gal who was recently peddling her experience in an effort to save the world .) 

“If I never” on the other hand, has it’s visual finger right on the jugular of the cultural moment. (To anachronistically combine Bill Clinton and Barak Obama’s political playbooks, “It’s about change stupid.”)

Unlike the pedantic “4 minutes,” “If I never” brilliantly oozes studied nonchalance both lyrically and, most importantly, visually. The on screen pairing of Adam and Rihanna is frought with at least as much transgression as that of the anscestoral Adam and Eve.

There’s no apple or serpent here, just a microphone which is audaciously wielded about like a shared sex toy and (given the political moment) as a middle finger to the historical interracial intolerance of the miscegenation laws.

Lyrically, the song reminds me of the best line of dialogue  ever from an American movie. In “The Fabulous Baker Boys,” a film which oddly enough is famous for a scene involving a piano and a microphone, Michelle Pfeiffer confronts Jeff Bridges about their “relationship.” Bemused, he asks her: “Relationship? What relationship? All I did was [expletive] you twice!” 

I assume that’s the exact same response we would get from our current president, as the next election looms, if we were to confront him as an electorate about our collective 8 year relationship.

And if he were ever to find it within himself to say sorry for the economic and military  reality he created and is leaving behind, I can hear Rihanna singing her current solo single “Take a Bow” in its entirety, sort of an “Exhale to the Chief: “Don’t tell me you’re sorry cause you’re not. You’re only sorry you got caught.”

Click here to see the video of “If I never see your face again.”

TheBestDressedList.com

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Your gift has been scent

Tom Kolovos, NBC5 Street Team

I get the giggles when I think about what people get paid to write.

Apparently you can get paid to write an anonymously sourced 9,500 word article for Vanity Fair insinuating that Bill Clinton is having extramarital affairs with B-List actresses and defend yourself by admitting that you’re only insinuating. Way to go Todd S. Purdum. Dude!

It’s someone’s job  to come up with the names of paint colors. Who are these people and where do I get that job?

It’s someone’s job to write more books than she’s read. (We all know that’s Ann Coulter and that job is safely hers. Dude!)

And then there’s the people who come up with descriptions of scents. You could spend weeks deconstructing some of this stuff. I though you might all get a giggle from  the perfumeemporium.com descriptions of 5 of my favorite fragrances which, coincidentally, would make for great Father’s Day gifts!

Touch by Burberry  The spicy masculine notes of Burberry Touch are warmed up by mandarin hints. It’s unique violet-scented middle note is enhanced by woody tones lingering into an elegant layer of musk.  The wooden cap, carved in ash tree has the natural look and feel of the veins of the tree.

Extreme by Paul Smith  An updated version of the classic Paul Smith fragrance, Paul Smith Extreme cologne for men a spicy, light scent with top notes of Bergamot, Rosemary, Hesperidia, Nutmeg and Cardamom. The scent of choice for Jude Law, Paul Smith Extreme offers a more individual fragrance that’ll really amaze.

Antidote by Victor and Rolf  Like a rare flower pinned to the lapel of a tuxedo jacket, it is an expression of classic masculine elegance with a flair of sophistication. A rich, woody oriental, Antidote opens with a refreshing burst of mint leaves and Italian bergamot, sparkles with spicy facets of black pepper and cinnamon, and yields to the warmth of sandalwood, ebony and patchouli. 

Pure by Jil Sander (Note: despite what follows, this is a unisex fragrance.) Jil Sander Pure is a simple, fresh, everyday scent that was designed for the active, urban woman. The heart of this soft scent is pure air molecule, coupled with cyclamen flower, fresh petal jasmine, and lush sap, cooled with the caress of white musk, sandalwood, and ambrette seeds. Notes include Pure Air Molecule, Cyclamen Flower, Fresh Petal Jasmine, Lush Sap, White Musk, Sandalwood, Ambrette Seeds.

Comme des Garcons Man 2  Comme des Garcons 2 Man cologne has an intellectual presence with a twist of humor for a man who sets his own rules. The mixing of extremely classic and unusual elements expresses a distinctive, masculine, and powerful signature. The scent’s personality comes through a blend of complementary and contrasting mossy and woody notes. Notes of Nutmeg, Incense, Saffron Flowers, Vetiver, White Smoke.

 

TheBestDressedList.com

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Polygamist Chic

Tom Kolovos, NBC5 Street Team
I owe John Galliano an apology.

I’ve never really been one that cared much for the theatrics of fashion. I’m far more impressed by the actual garments and their construction, fit and wearability. Many of the fashion shows in New York, London, Milan and Paris are not presentations of visionary design but bi-annual excercizes in egotistical masturbation for coked up designers, models, fashion editors and assorted courtesans.

Gosh Tom, you say, doesn’t that sound fun?

Apparently, not anymore to Donatella Versace who, having recently kicked her decade/s long habit with blow, produced the most extraordinary spring couture show in recent memory.

One of my absolute favorite designers, the late Franco Moschino, used to call the whole idea of runway presentations “the fashion vampiress” because it really does suck the blood out of real creativity when you have to present a collection regardless of whether you have anything worthwhile to present.

Today, a client sent me an AP article on the polygamist wives and it brought to mind two of my least favorite designers, John Galliano and Marc Jacobs. (Yes, I am a fashion heretic.)

I’ve never really cared for Galliano’s vision of how women should dress and all the theatrics he engages in on his runway for Dior have never been able to distract me from that point . (As Leann Womak once sang, “I just hate her, I’ll think of a reason later.”)

I can be much more direct about my dislike for Marc Jacobs. Copying other people’s work (sure, you can call it paying homage, if you want to look the other way) and putting your label on it year after year, collection after collection is not my idea of genius. Oh, that reminds me to CC Tory Burch on this.

So, enter the polygamist wives, who are apparently taking their fashion cues from Ann B. Davis’ character Alice on “The Brady Bunch.” Some of us fashion buzzards are  wondering how influential their look might become, given that “inspiration” in fashion is serendipitous.

Alluding to Mr. Jacobs’ penchant for “homage,” Susan Cernek, the fashion editor of glam.com wrote that the womens’  look “sounds like a good Holloween costume…or Marc Jacobs Spring ’09.”

Well, I’ve got news for Ms. Cernek. John Galliano beat him to the punch(line) in his Dior Spring ’07 collection. It was a collection so dreary, one wonders whether he was way ahead of the rest of us by researching fundamentalist Mormon sects. Maybe, just maybe, I’m wrong about him and the man is a visionary and a psychic!

Read the AP story on cnn.com  which does a good job of explaining some of the sociopolitical aspects of these womens’ appearance and a review I wrote of the Dior exhibit when it appeared at The Chicago History Museum.

TheBestDressedList.com 

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Inner Peace. And Stupidity.

Shlomi Rabi NBC5 Street Team

Rule Number One: Do Not Make Eye Contact. So on the occasion that one is potentially forced to share a long elevator ride, under no circumstances must one initiate, facilitate or simulate any form of physical engagement that could feasiby result in a rising level of tension and noticeable awkwardness.

Rule Number Two: Play It Cool. Should one be met with a familiar glance, a smile from a dashing gentleman, or even sense the commencement of a conversation, one is to keep a firm and cordial stance, answer with a simple “Sure dude” and perfect the ancient master skill of winking.

Rule Number Three: Do Not Lube Hands Prior to Assured Isolation. Crucial! In the event that the debonaire sexy neighbor on the elevator ride approaches, compliments and introduces himself, one is to wipe off all remaning liquids, creams, lotions and lubes off of one’s hands on the first available surface, including a third party’s coat. Creamy hands do not equal good impression. *sigh*….

Rule Number Four: Chocolate Helps! So in the event that you were unable to contain your burning queeniness, your inner dorkiness, your true awkwardness, your natural stammering AND your freshly-dipped-in-a-bucket-of-moisturizer hands all to yourself, you may want to try stopping for some good chocolate loving at the following venues:

Kopi-A Traveler’s Cafe in Andersonville for some Mexican Hot Chocolate that will swiftly wash off that lump of stupid caught in your throat. Once that’s been done, it is time to begin filling your stomach with good, solid chocolate loving. I personally recommend Vosges Chocolates on the Mag Mile Red Fire Brownie Single, which has enough peppers in it to burn off the shame, guilt and embarrassment, together with your esophagus, spleen and ego. It will be the wisest $5 you would have spent. Even that damn hands lube that got you into trouble cost more. And lastly, head back home to Lakeview, and go to Windy City Sweets for some Chocolate Caramel Nut Patties that will give you enough sugar, protein and power to run back to your building, stare at the elevator, and then choose to take the stairs thirty floors up instead.

(Please note: Originally there were twelve on my plate. You do the math.)

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